How Trauma Impacts Relationships

“A relationship wound requires a relationship cure.”

-Mary Demuth

February is the month of relationships. Love, love, love. Even the stupid dollar store is aflutter with hearts and chocolates. In case you didn’t get the hint from the holiday, relationships are important. Valentine’s Day blares that out like a fog horn. For those who are single, Valentine’s Day can make you feel less than—as if not being in a relationship is some kind of judgement. For trauma survivors, relationships are even more complicated.

It is more than just being part of a couple, more than belonging to a family and more than friendships. Relationships reflect the deepest need of the human heart—and not the chocolate kind. It is the main reason trauma is so devastating and has such a lasting impact. Childhood trauma is a relationship wound. 

How childhood trauma affects relationships

The early bonds of childhood forever imprint how we view the world and our place in it. In the video this week, Adrienne Wells expresses how trauma changed her world. 

Her answer to the question, “How did trauma affect you?” is shattering. 

“To me, it was normal.”

And therein lies the problem. All relationships are viewed through a broken lens. If your own mother and father betray you, what chance does a romantic relationship have? How can you parent when the only pattern you’ve experienced is abusive? If you view relationships with fear, guilt and threat, how can you ever learn to trust? 

The invisible nature of chronic childhood trauma

The most insidious thing about chronic childhood trauma is that it is often invisible. Invisible to outsiders and invisible to the child who does not have enough life experience to understand manipulation and neglect. Toxic family dynamics are covert. Sometimes we see outward symptoms like addiction, violence and sexual abuse, but even if those things are not present the same rotten core of the family system produces the same amount of emotional suffering and complex ptsd. The abuse of these family systems are surprisingly similar falling into a pattern that is helpful to recognize in order to heal. 

During the months of February and March, I’m going to talk about these patterns of relationship wounds and how to heal them. Breaking the cycle of abuse is impossible without first understanding the pattern. When the pattern clicks into focus, you will be able to stop repeating destructive cycles and choose healthy, fulfilling relationships in all areas of your life.

On one of my many trips to northern Arizona, I looked out over the Grand Canyon and thought about the long journey my life had taken. It seemed as wide and as deep as the canyon itself. A hawk screeched overhead, soaring on streams of air, looking for prey. I watched as a crowd of tourists gathered at a lookout point. The colors of the canyon were particularly beautiful that day. Striations of soft browns and reds contrasted with clear sky accented by floating clouds and beams of sunlight. My husband of thirty-seven years stood by my side. I looked up and smiled. He smiled back. He had waited a long time for me to find my way back from despair. I had done nothing more than co-exist with him for many years. Barely holding onto life with the tops of my fingernails, I thought I would never find the way out of the darkness. 

What does childhood trauma do?

It did not matter if I was married to a stable man. It did not matter that I had two small boys to raise. It did not matter that I had a college degree, a good job and a nice home. Trauma took precedence over everything. In fact, trauma took any joy I might have had in those things and turned them into obligation and misery. That’s what trauma does. It destroys what we have and makes what we might have had impossible. 

If you are reading this, I’m here to say, it is not too late. Standing at the edge of the Grand Canyon that day, I realized I was no longer the same person. I was myself, only more. I am on      the journey of healing and I’ve put my life back together again. Am I perfect? No. Do I still have bad days? Yes. But, I went from a suicidal wreck to a person on the adventure of life. I went from struggling to survive to really living. 

Knowing how difficult recovery from childhood trauma can be, I began writing in hopes of making the healing journey of others a little quicker and a little easier than mine. If I can spare you even a small amount of suffering, it will have been worth it. As we do a deep dive into relationship patterns keep a look out in your own life for ways you may be repeating destructive patterns from your childhood. The arm of trauma has a long reach, but healing is possible. 

February is the month of Valentine’s Day. May you become a Valentine to yourself, and in so doing, bring healing to all your relationships. Defy trauma embrace joy.