Peace on earth

“Peace on earth, goodwill to men”

I have been a seeker of peace all my life. Peace of heart, that is. As a trauma survivor, that type of peace has been like chasing a greased pig at the county fair—hard to catch. The fourth verse in the old Henry Wadsworth Longfellow poem “I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day,” expresses the struggle. 

“And in despair I bowed my head

There is no peace on Earth,  I said

For hate is strong and mocks the song

Of peace on Earth, good will to men”

When Apartheid came to an end, Desmond Tutu, the former archbishop of the Anglican Church in South Africa was faced with the terrible problem of how to bring peace to a nation torn apart by trauma. Torture, murder and years of injustice were a gaping wound impossible to heal until Bishop Tutu among others came up with an idea. What if they formed a commission to listen to the survivors? The Truth and Reconciliation Commission was formed reaching out to as many South Africans as possible. At first, they were afraid very few would be interested, but in the end, the statements of more than twenty thousand people were taken; both perpetrators and victims. This is his account of that time.

“People had been bottled up for so long that when the chance came for them to tell their stories, the floodgates opened. I never ceased to marvel, after these people had told their nightmarish tales, that they looked so ordinary. They laughed, they conversed, they went about their daily lives looking to all the world to be normal, whole persons with not a single concern in the world. And then you heard their stories and wondered how they had survived for so long carrying such a heavy burden of grief and anguish so quietly, so unobtrusively, with dignity and simplicity. How much we owe them can never be computed.”

Perhaps my search for peace has been so difficult because ultimately, peace requires telling the truth. That was a hard thing for me to do for a long time. First, I didn’t know what the truth was. My mind was so controlled by my abusers, I believed everything they said. Once I understood what was happening, the guilt of accusing people I loved kept me quiet. The threat of losing them was too much to bear—even though they were hurting me.

Bishop Tutu says, “The truth hurts, but lies kill.”

Truth allows us to be free of the power of our abusers and makes room at last, for peace. I was not able to let go of anger, hatred, retribution and revenge until my story was told. Peace has come to the deep places of my heart and even though my abusers never admitted anything, they are the ones trapped by lies. Not me. As my healing journey continues, may peace flow in, ever deeper and may the closing words of the fifth verse of Longfellow’s poem come to pass for you.

“The wrong shall fail, the right, prevail

with peace on earth goodwill, to men”

There is no more desperate place than the heart of a trauma survivor. May you and I be peacemakers there, in that place, the deep place of our hearts. And in so doing be peacemakers in the world. Defy trauma, and with peace of heart, embrace joy. 

“We are each made for goodness, love and compassion. Our lives are transformed as much as the world is when we live with these truths.”

-Desmond Tutu