healing childhood trauma pt8
External Shift
An External Shift Means A Change in Action
Internal, external and spiritual are three shifts that need to occur along the journey of healing from childhood trauma. This week’s blog is about external change. Until you add an external change of action to internal belief, no amount of inner healing will translate into real transformation. Let me give you an example.
I recently had a Doctor’s appointment. The receptionist was curt towards me which I translated as being rude. The assistant wanted me to fill out my medical history using their iPad. Great, two big triggers: A young person telling me what to do combined with technology. The appointment turned into a long list of things the medical industrial complex wanted, not what I thought was needed. Burning, hot rage welled up. I managed to keep the explosion to a minimum, but that one appointment pushed me into a rage that lasted all day. Why? To an outsider, I was just a crazy, difficult, non-compliant patient. Patient. I despise that word. It indicates submission. Oooo just writing that sends me into a rage.
As a child, my mother used medical appointments as a form of torture to gain my compliance but also for her amusement. She displayed a form of Munchausen’s syndrome and would make up symptoms and endlessly advocate for unnecessary tests. Coming home from the pediatrician, I felt raped. No one ever caught on to what she was doing. Consequently as an adult, every medical appointment, no matter how innocuous, is a source of stress. Those torturous appointments from childhood laid down neurological pathways in my brain. I immediately interpret anything having to do with medicine as a threat. This is just one such example of hundreds of ways my brain was trained to see threat in the world.
I found a trauma informed dentist and I can’t tell you the difference it has made. (My mother also used the dentist to torture me.) They never “tell” me what to do but make suggestions. They allow me to feel in control of procedures and appointments and decisions. Though these seem like small things, I do not have the same kind of panic-filled rage going to the dentist as I do to other medical appointments.
I need to translate this same self-empowerment to all medical appointments. I need to advocate and anticipate. I can tell the doctor that I am a trauma survivor and explain how I need for that to translate into my care. For most of my life, the old “training” ran the show. I swallowed my voice and just endured. That kind of external behavior does not honor myself. It gets in the way of healing. If the doctor won’t listen, find another doctor. As you embrace and bring understanding to the suffering inner parts of yourself, external change brings about healing in a deeper way than ever before.
Margins
Have you ever tried to read a paper without any margins? Try it sometime. It will drive you nuts. The eye naturally wants to have plenty of margin to make sense of the words. The same is true of survivors. We need plenty of margins in order to make sense of life.
In the example above, I did not leave enough margin in my medical appointment. A margin represents external behavior that gives us space. Another term therapists often use is resiliency. I once heard it explained like an open window. If you open a window just a crack, there isn’t much room for air to circulate much less room for escape. But if your window is open wide, you have all the space you need.
There are many concrete ways for external change to take place. Meditation and mind/body exercise such as yoga and relaxation. Working on self-care and doing the things you love help get trauma out of the body. Pursue healing and safe relationships like trauma support groups and friendships. Participate in activities that are life-giving like service to others or music and art. Stop running from flashbacks and ask what questions instead of ruminating about why. Flashbacks are trying to tell us something and will reveal much about trauma when we understand what might be behind them.
Neurological Impact of Trauma
I cannot emphasize how much the physical part of the brain is impacted by trauma. Neurological pathways are laid down in the early years of childhood and are the reason I sometimes feel as if I am fighting against myself when I try to bring external change to internal turmoil. The “limbic system” is the part of the brain where the threat response resides. It is powerful.
Even now, when I understand the impact of the past, I see the medical profession as being out to hurt me. I know logically that isn’t true, but the deep parts of my brain still respond to the old threat. The great hope is that with practice, new neurological pathways can be laid down and the old threat response calmed.
The Healing Journey
For me, the healing journey is not becoming a new person. It is becoming the person I was always meant to be. Becoming more myself, not less, not new. Trauma has taken a tremendous toll. Every time I can apply a little more peace to my heart the more I defy trauma and embrace joy. And that makes life worth living.