healing childhood trauma pt9
Spiritual Shift
“Healing childhood trauma is an attempt to reconstruct a world of meaning that has been challenged by loss.”
Talking about spiritual things these days is nearly as hazardous as talking about politics. I know that those who read my blog come from a myriad of backgrounds and faith traditions including no tradition, so it is with a bit of caution, I approach this subject as I share a bit of my own spiritual journey.
The Moral Wound
Eric Gentry, author of “Forward Facing Freedom,” a book about healing trauma and its symptoms, has a very interesting tag line. “Healing the Moral Wound.” Dr. Gentry emphasizes healing trauma so that we do not break our own code of ethics toward ourselves by allowing trauma to drive our behavior and instead, he seeks to equip survivors so that they get to define who they really are and who they want to be. I think it’s interesting that he uses the term “moral wound.” I can’t think of a better description of trauma. Not only does morality refer to holding high principles for proper conduct, it is also concerned with the principles of right and wrong and the goodness or badness of human character. How else can you define the abusive narcissistic behavior that has caused survivors so much suffering?
To me, a moral wound is a spiritual injury. I cannot explain the impact of trauma any other way. Were there not forces of good and evil, we would not feel the level of devastation and betrayal present from childhood abuse. It is more than evolutionary causes at work. There is a deep, terrible groaning of the spirit, a lostness that cannot find a place to rest. I long to understand and make sense of what has happened. There is an outrage that cannot be quieted. It causes me to conclude the wounding of childhood trauma is wrong, wrong, wrong. In order for that to be true, there must be a pull between good and evil.
Three Assumptions About Meaning
Trauma challenges three basic assumptions about meaning: 1. That the world is a benevolent place. 2. That the world makes sense. 3. That I as a person am worthy. I must look at each one of these in order to redefine meaning and make sense of the world. It is a difficult task.
Many survivors are like me, an empath. Narcissists use our natural bent toward empathy, kindness and self-doubt against us. As a “feeler,” I have always wondered about existential questions like: What is the meaning of life? Why are we here? What is my purpose?
Of all the struggles I have had along the path of healing, none have come close to the depth of damage I have felt in the spiritual arena. I was raised as an evangelical, but my parents used the organization of the church as a platform for narcissistic behavior. They hid in plain sight, and other church members who were sincere did not understand what was going on.
Many survivors I have met, have had, like me, terrible experiences with spiritual abuse and many were directly affected in a negative way by religious institutions. SNAP, just one organization dealing with institutional abuse by Catholic priests and others, has over 60,000 members. Religious betrayal mimics the betrayal we have experienced by parents or other abusers who were in positions of power and trust. Consequently, it does untold amounts of spiritual damage. Narcissists like to hide under the guise of goodness and are attracted to religion and the power it gives them.
When I came to grips with childhood abuse and the fact that my family system was broken and destructive, not only did I lose hopes and dreams, I lost the spiritual base upon which I depended. I felt as betrayed by God as I did by my parents. In fact, that was the problem. The two were intertwined.
The Wall
About mid-way in my healing journey, I hit something I call “The Wall.” I knew I could not take another step forward in healing without an answer to this question. If God exists, and if he is good—if he is powerful and “in control,” then why would he ever stand by and watch such torment happen to me? I burned with rage toward a God like that.
The answer meant that there might be no God at all. Or worse, that he was there, but was mean, vindictive and/or powerless. Either of those options presented me with a huge problem. I wasn’t safe. The reason I stayed connected to my abusive family system as long as I did was because I was desperately trying to feel safe. But the world my parents constructed had crumbled. There was no going back. I knew from personal experience that the world was not a benevolent place, it did not make any sense, and I was nothing but a piece of trash.
And that was the tipping point of spiritual change. I began to understand that I had lived in a world constructed around lies and no spiritual path can tolerate such a thing. To search for meaning meant I was on a search for truth. I had intertwined my parents with my understanding of God. I had intertwined my understanding of life with the perpetration of abuse by those closest to me. I saw myself through the web my abusers had spun. And that was the way they wanted it because it gave them control. They were wrong and yes, I’m going to use the word—they were evil. To defy trauma is to defy evil. To embrace joy is to embrace the goodness that is at the very center of all creation. The spiritual journey is the journey of healing. And for me, I have found a God at the center who is just as outraged as I am. May you find peace in your quest for truth. May we all find meaning in this difficult journey called life. Defy trauma, embrace joy.