The auto-Pilot of abuse
~Healing from dissociation
Ice and snow whipped past the windshield of the aircraft. I was sure we were going to crash. I glanced out the window and watched the wing dip down then back up again. It was as black as pitch outside. My stomach dropped along with the airplane as it shuddered and swooped against the pilot’s efforts. Surely we were going to take a nose dive into the runway. I closed my eyes.
My husband and I were passengers on a Gulfstream III aircraft. Air Force speak for a private jet. The general on board had opened up two seats so that we lowly peons could hop on board. My husband, a lieutenant in the Air Force, was stationed at Ramstein Air Base, Germany. I had gotten a call that my mother had tried to commit suicide. We were given emergency leave and the general kindly allowed us to catch a ride on the beautiful Gulfstream jet.
The flight had turned into a nightmare. Keflavik Iceland was a necessary refueling stop and the weather was not cooperating.
“We’re going to have to abandon VFR rules (visual flight rules) and take her in with the instruments,” said the pilot.
I looked at my husband. A helicopter pilot himself, he had nerves of steel. “It’s going to be alright,” he reassured me.
Surrounded by cloud cover, it was impossible to see anything. I didn’t know how we could land without crashing. Suddenly, the pilot pushed on the throttle and the plane lifted into the air. Steady and sure, the shimmying stopped and the plane made a calm circle over the airport.
“Watch this,” said my husband. “He’s going to use the instrument landing system. The auto-pilot will connect and take us down till the pilot can see the runway.” We landed as smooth as silk.
If you are a survivor of early childhood trauma you know what it means to go on auto-pilot. The term psychologists use is dissociation. Like the story above, the auto-pilot clicks in to help us survive what is happening. Our emotions, feelings and perceptions go on auto-pilot as the brain swoops in to protect us. Helpful in childhood trauma, the auto-pilot turns into intrusions when we fail to learn how to turn it off in adulthood. Anxiety fuels dissociation stealing joy, peace and happiness from our lives.
Because our auto-pilot system clicks on automatically, we have to choose to turn it off. It’s a tall order. Especially at the beginning. Auto-pilot has been protecting us all these years, but now, anxiety, depression, suicidal feelings, terror and nightmares have taken over. It’s a confusing mess. The auto-pilot wasn’t meant to last forever.
As in all the steps of healing, the first is recognizing how the auto-pilot is operating in your particular situation. You’re going to face resistance. The system you’ve been relying upon doesn’t realize you are safe. You are not going to feel safe. Keep going anyway. You will have to choose to turn it off. I found the techniques in Forward Facing Freedom by Eric Gentry helpful. He also has many videos under Arizona Trauma Institute on YouTube. In addition, yoga, relaxation exercises and body-mind techniques can also be helpful. You may need access to a therapist that specializes in trauma recovery.
It is worth the effort and the payoff is a life of purpose and peace. It is possible to heal from childhood trauma. May you find the blessings of life that should have been yours all along. Defy trauma, embrace joy.