The Sacredness of Choice
This is the last of five newsletters, blogs and worksheets about the importance of choice when it comes to healing from childhood trauma. Why would I emphasize choice so much? It is the foundation upon which your healing journey will be laid. Without it, you will be forever trapped in abusive thinking and behavior.
Years ago, I attended a support group for survivors. I was there for childhood trauma, but there were many types of abuse represented. I shall never forget the lovely young woman seated next to me. When it came her turn to share, frustration spilled over.
“My boyfriend can’t control his rages. I don’t know what I’m doing to cause all this. Afterward, he leaves, and we don’t speak for a week, but then, he always comes back. What am I doing to make him treat me like this?” To any outsider the answer is obvious. You and I can see it. Why couldn't she? “What did I do wrong?” she kept repeating over and over again.
Unable to stand her cries another minute, I piped up. “I can answer that.”
The room grew silent— every eye turned toward me. The young woman’s eyes were filled with despair.
“Nothing,” I said. You could've heard a pin drop.
“What?” she whispered.
“You haven’t done anything. Your boyfriend is choosing his behavior. You’re not responsible for anything he does.”
She paused for a moment, tilted her head, then turned to the group and continued to list all the things her boyfriend was doing and how hard it was to figure out what she had done wrong. It was as if I had not said a word.
Though I live in the land of cactus, I have an orange tree in my backyard. It doesn’t belong there. Rainfall of seven inches per year is plenty to support the cactus, not so much the transplanted bushes and trees brought by retirees and residents. While the rest of the country sleeps under a blanket of snow, we’re out in the desert picking oranges.
My orange tree began to droop so I asked our neighbor if she knew what was wrong. “Your irrigation system is probably broken. The tree just needs water.”
Sure enough, the PVC pipe needed replacing. I went old school and hooked up a hose. Three times a week, I faithfully turned on the spigot and let it run. Rewarded by a gigantic harvest, I sat on my back patio admiring my orange tree. Without water from the hose, that twenty-year-old citrus tree would quickly die. It was completely dependent upon me.
This is exactly how abusers work. They maneuver you into total dependance. Standing at the spigot, they control all the water. The threat may vary— abandonment, love, survival, but the result is always the same. Abusers want you to think you have no choice because it feeds their need for domination and power. In the case of early childhood trauma, the victim literally has nowhere to turn. But now that you are grown, you are the one standing at the spigot.
Choice is a sacred space. Beliefs we hold can keep us from living in the sacred space of personal power...of choice. Believing you have a choice is the first step in defying trauma. Are you ready?