The dread Part II-lies
“I am my mother’s daughter... and although it’s been twenty years since I left home, her sayings form a perpetual long-playing record on my inner-ear turntable.”
-Carol Shields, American Writer
Carol Shields wrote that as a tribute to her mother. If I had written it, it would be an accusation. The voices of my parents roll across the years, perpetually repeating the lies they put in my heart and soul. They were the authors of The Dread in my life. That is their legacy and one I will continue to try and end.
The Dread is the anticipation of anxiety, fear, stress or threat. So named by author, Stephanie Foo, this is the second in a blog series on The Dread—that terrible sense which follows childhood trauma survivors, telling them the end of all things is near. It whispers during the day and shouts at night—stealing sleep and bringing nightmares. What lies does it tell?
Something terrible is going to happen to you and you’re going to be found out.
You can’t trust anyone or anything.
Don’t get close to people. They will always betray you.
If you don’t turn you life, thoughts, soul, over to me (the abuser) something terrible will happen to you.
You’re going to lose your job and end up on the street homeless.
You’re an idiot; not capable of anything.
You ruin everything you touch.
Life is hopeless. You are hopeless
You will never be good enough
You are unloveable
There’s no reason to keep on trying
The Dread will never end
No matter how much success you reach, The Dread knows you’re just a piece of trash
Life is not worth living
It’s too hard
No one cares
You will fail (if you try)
You don’t belong
Something is wrong with you (inherently, deep down. You are flawed)
As you read the lies of The Dread, you see them morph into hopelessness and defeat. The Dread is the catalyst for depression and despair in the life of a survivor. It is insidious and unrelenting. What was meant to protect us from threat has become a torture devise that never leaves us alone. It casts a shadow over the good things in life, ruining relationships and stealing joy.
But if The Dread is a liar, then that means everything it tells us is NOT true—even though we may feel it is true to the depths of our soul. The dread is a liar and the opposite of everything it says is reality. When we needed The Dread to protect us in childhood, it served its function well. Now that we don’t need it in adulthood, it lies.
Why? Why would our brain and emotions lie to us? It doesn’t make sense. Yes, it does, when you consider the fact that escaping from childhood trauma is the same as escaping a cult or a concentration camp. Identical effects apply. It is brain washing pure and simple. And we are left with the carnage.
The Dread is so powerful because it draws from our life experience—our learned experience. Our brain has learned to be afraid and stay afraid transmitting those messages to our emotions. Our emotions respond to that danger. And to challenge The Dread and its lies is to endanger yourself all over again.
The Dread can be defeated. You can get better and as you seek healing, the voice of The Dread will fade. But you must go slowly and you cannot do it alone. I encourage you to reach out for help. I will address this more in the fourth blog of this series on The Dread, but for now, the following are several sites that offer help.
Forward Facing Freedom: https://forward-facing.com/freedom/
The Arizona Trauma Institute offers a wide variety of virtual classes at very affordable prices. They can be found at: https://aztrauma.org/
The CPTSD foundation offers, articles, blogs, videos, support groups and more. You can reach them at :