The Dread part III Narcissists & The dread, What they don’t want you to know
In the home I grew up in, narcissism reigned supreme. There was only one voice and that was the voice of the head narcissist. All others were subservient. Institutions such as church were manipulated and incorporated into the system. We enjoyed the perception of community participation and leadership. In reality, we were terrorized and isolated.
In coming to understand how The Dread, (the anticipation of anxiety, fear, stress or threat) plagues survivors, we must first understand the techniques a narcissist (abuser) uses to put The Dread in place. Behaviors such as isolation, skewing reality, thought control, gaslighting and terror are the narcissist’s first line of attack. Julie Hall in her excellent book, The Narcissist in Your Life, defines them this way. “It is a narcissist’s lack of empathy, coupled with their sense of superiority, inflated entitlement, low self-awareness and constant need for admiring attention that makes them so very toxic.” She describes them in these terms: A bully, coward, liar and fraud. I would describe them with a more insidious definition. They seek to serve themselves by destroying the soul and personality of others. Especially those they have the most access to; their children and partners.
To victims, narcissists appear as overwhelming, all-powerful monsters. Don’t dare speak up. Never talk back. Never disagree. They are god and that’s exactly what they want you to think. But everything they do is a cover for the terrible secret deep within. They are as driven by The Dread as we are. Underneath the bravado lies crushing insecurity. Narcissists are driven by the fear of being exposed, losing control, being humiliated and being rejected. They are insecure, immature, self-deceived, self-absorbed cowards and the root of their behavior is The Dread. Long ago, when they were children, they decided the only way to escape The Dread was to become an abuser themselves.
Lest you fall into the trap of feeling sorry for a narcissist, let me warn you. Empathy with them will destroy you. Your desire for love will be used against you. They will not stop. In fact, they will single out a particularly empathetic child and make them the scapegoat; tearing them to shreds in the process. Why? Because they smell vulnerability.
Julie Hall says, “It is vital to understand that narcissists do not care about their family’s needs, most tragically those of their children and partner, unless those needs happen to align with their own.” And in another chapter she offers this warning. “It’s not nice to call names, but in regards to narcissists, calling them out is a matter of survival for those dealing with their abuse.”
Never call them out to their face. The Dread is so powerful in their lives, they have given in to it. Instead of the hard work of healing, they choose not to face reality. Instead of personal accountability, they choose blame. And most importantly, instead of truth, they choose lies. I often close my blogs with a happy, defy trauma, embrace joy! After reading a little about The Dread, you are getting some inkling into just what it is we are up against. To defy trauma takes real defiance. Embracing joy is an act of insurrection. May I encourage you with all my heart to join in the coup d’etat and overthrow the narcissist regime of your childhood. Real life awaits and it is better than anything the narcissist could have ever imagined.
This is the third in a series on The Dread. Coming up, How to Banish The Dread. Three resources for help are listed below.
Forward Facing Freedom: https://forward-facing.com/freedom/
The Arizona Trauma Institute offers a wide variety of virtual classes at very affordable prices. They can be found at: https://aztrauma.org/
The CPTSD foundation offers, articles, blogs, videos, support groups and more. You can reach them at :