THE DREAD PART 4 HOW TO BANISH THE DREAD-TRUTH

Newsletter #22 The Dread Part IV-A

How to Banish the Dread - The Circles of Healing, Truth

Long ago, a boy found himself frozen in fear as he clung to the rigging of the top mast in an old British sailing ship. A terrible Atlantic squall had blown in and there was no way down. Terrified he would lose his grip and be dashed to pieces on the deck, he hung on for dear life. The faint words of the captain could barely be heard over the wind. "Boy, the next time the ship lurches, throw yourself into the sea." Looking at the sailors preparing a life ring for his rescue, the boy’s eyes then flitted to the threatening waves. If he stayed where he was, death was imminent. He decided to take a chance and let go.

To a survivor of childhood trauma, letting go of old patterns feels more threatening than an Atlantic hurricane, but that is exactly what we must do if we wish to heal. Survivors of childhood trauma cannot banish The Dread by staying where we are. We cannot attain freedom without embracing change. 

This is the fourth in a blog series about the terrible anxiety survivors of early childhood trauma experience called, The Dread. I’ve defined The Dread as the anticipation of anxiety, fear, stress or threat. The second blog dealt with the lies that The Dread tells and the third talked about the role narcissistic abuse plays in creating The Dread. I am now coming to the last part of this series. How to banish The Dread. Initially I thought banishing The Dread would take only one week. I’m going to expand it to three. 

The tasks of healing do not happen in an unbroken straight line or even step by step. They go in circles with each pass through the process bringing deeper and deeper healing. There are three circles altogether. This week, we begin with the first, TRUTH. I’ve talked a lot about truth in my blogs because lying is at the heart of all trauma, and above all things, lying is rocket fuel for The Dread. Lies the perpetrator tells themselves. Lies they tell to their victims. And finally, the lies we continue to believe about ourselves, about life and about the world around us. 

1.Acknowledge

You would not be reading this if you did not already acknowledge something was wrong. The system in which a child is raised is the only system they know. When you begin to dismantle what happened, everything feels confusing. Don’t give up. Most people do not heal from early childhood trauma until they are forced to by depression, anxiety, anger and a host of other symptoms. You must first educate yourself about trauma, abuse, narcissism and your particular family system. Childhood abuse is complicated. The constant bate and switch mixed with the longing to be loved is crazy making. You are the only person who can pick apart the knots of your family system. Books, videos, therapy and trustworthy family friends (stay clear of flying monkeys) are just a few resources to begin your journey.

2. Accept

This stage is a little harder because it requires emotional attention. It’s one thing to understand the facts. It’s another to accept them. Acceptance is a process. You must give your emotions time to catch up with understanding. Deep inside the heart of all of us is the desire to belong; to have a family, to be loved, to have parents we can rely on. To come to truly accept that this will never be the case for you is difficult. In addition, you will have to go against every lie your abuser ever told you. Acceptance can feel very dark and hopeless because The Dread wants you to stay in the old way of thinking. In addition, grief plays a major role during this stage. Remember, you are a seeker of truth, and once it has done its work, acceptance will lead to a happier day.

3. Adjust

After every acknowledgment and acceptance will come a stage of adjustment. You will need to put boundaries in place with relationships that never had any. You will need to change some of your own behaviors that feed into the sick system—both toward others and toward yourself. You will start to see life from a different lens. When that starts to happen, you know The Dread is on its way out. Instead of a burden to be endured, life will blossom into a blessing to be enjoyed.

None of this is easy. As we know from experience, The Dread is a powerful enemy. But when you feel it creeping back in or when it swoops in and takes complete control, remember, it is nothing more than a liar. Stop it in its tracks by asking three questions: What is this feeling of dread connected to? How can I accept the truth? What adjustments need to be made to live in the truth?

Defy trauma. Defy The Dread. Embrace joy.