the dread Part 5-How to banish the dread, emotions

Newsletter #23 - How to Banish The Dread

Circles of Healing, EMOTION

Tiny, my black and tan chihuahua jumped up and down in anticipation of a walk. He knew that every evening at sunset we would gear up to wander outside into the greater world beyond. We crossed the street and headed down the road that led to the town cemetery. Lined with oaks and maples, their leaves fluttered in the breeze on a September afternoon. The last wisp of summer on the wind, you could smell Autumn coming. Pumpkins, Halloween, Thanksgiving. It was all just around the corner. And I wanted to die.

My emotions tormented me every moment of every day. I told my husband I walked Tiny in the cemetery to get away from the traffic, but the truth was, the dead were my only companions. The tombstones listened to my anguish and grief, confusion and despair without judgment. I didn’t have to worry about them telling any one in the community either. I was terrified people would find out what a wreck I really was. 

I stood and stared at those tombstones, many dating from the previous century and longed to be where they were. At least it would finally be over. Why had I ever been born? What purpose could there possibly be to such suffering? If you are a survivor of childhood trauma, you’ve had these same feelings.

Every person on earth has a choice. My parents chose to become abusers. I had no choice in their decision. But I do have a choice in what I do with it. Will I stay where I am in misery? Will I end it all and let them win? or will I make the choice to heal? I choose healing. That is my purpose. To stop the chain of misery as much as I can. To take what they did and turn it into something beautiful. To enter into the beauty of life. I want to choose to live another way!!!

When I was younger, I could keep my emotions quiet. I knew how to ignore them. I knew how to run from them. But they were stubborn. As I grew older, they demanded my attention. The more I tried to suppress them, the more they wanted me to listen. And the tombstones could not help. No matter how much I poured out my heart, they never responded. 

If you are a survivor of early childhood trauma, do not wait another second. It is time to move toward healing. The Dread that stalked me day and night can be banished, and the circles of healing can be a jumping off point. Each pass through the circles makes healing go deeper and deeper. 

In my last blog, I talked about the first circle of healing—TRUTH. In this blog we’re moving on to the second circle—EMOTIONS. 

Every survivor of childhood trauma knows what it means to struggle with their emotions. Feelings seem disconnected and random. Depression and anxiety sneak up from nowhere. Feeling hopeless and overwhelmed by the smallest struggle or problem is the norm. Outbursts of anger and uncontrollable rage don’t match the situation. What is wrong? 

We are not crazy or bad or wrong or broken. We are wounded. It is as simple as that. Because it is a wound you cannot see, others do not understand. If you lived in chaos, neglect, gaslighting, manipulation, physical, mental and sexual assault as a child, it is going to take more than a bandaid to heal. 

Our emotions are scattered because the abuse we suffered caused us to split and compartmentalize in order to survive. Now, in the present, we perceive threat everywhere. It’s impossible to rest. We are driven by anxiety and fear and when we can no longer go on, depression steps in. Am I describing what life is like sometimes for you? I know it was that way for me for decades. 

Let this emotional distress drive you toward healing. Instead of avoiding emotions, instead of running from emotions and instead of giving up—give in. Your emotions are telling you they are upset. That something is wrong and they want you to listen. 

1.Acknowledge. 

The first step is to stop running and listen. Your emotions are not your enemy. They are trying to reveal the truth. 

-MAKE SPACE for them. Take time for quiet and meditation. Begin to listen to the inner self. Keep a journal and write down what it tells you. 

-UNDERSTAND. Learn to match the out of control emotion with the past and understand where it comes from. Research the physical effects trauma has on the brain and how the body holds trauma. Several resources are provided on the “how to heal” page of my website. 

2.Accept. 

ACCEPT your emotions instead of being angry at them. Accept that they are a response to woundedness. Accept that the past is the source and not the situation you’re in. That will help you walk away for a few moments and give you a chance for the rage to settle down.

3.Adjust

ADJUSTMENT means being able to step away from situations of rage or frustration when you want to explode. In time, you’ll begin to hear the inner voice of reason that says: This rage is from the wound in my soul, not the situation. I can’t speak calmly now, so I’m going to step away. The mismanagement of emotion is how our abusers stayed in power and it is also what drove their own behavior. You’re going to have to write a new script. Educate yourself, accept that this is where you are, then make adjustments to your life by putting into practice techniques that work for you. Some techniques to research: 

a.Learning to stay present. 

b.Keeping a relaxed body.

c.Meditation

d.Creating a larger resilience window

I’m so glad you were here today. I think of my readers every day and am cheering for you as you take the steps to heal. Healing leads to Joy! Defy trauma, it deserves to be rebelled against. And Joy deserves to be embraced. Defy trauma, embrace joy.