Cultivation

How to Survive the Holidays Series

I watched as the old mule made one last pass across the field below my Grandmother’s house. Damp earth turned beneath the plow and I knew buried treasure would soon be exposed. My brother and I looked at one another in anticipation. It was the second half of the twentieth century, but at the moment, we existed in a strange time warp created by the isolation of the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia. Protected from change and insulated from the rest of the world, my Grandmother still used a mule for plowing and made her living from a small apple orchard on the side of a mountain. As soon as the mule was finished, we took our brown paper bags and raced across the field picking up large shards of Native American pottery, arrowheads, grind stones and pieces of flint. The native population long gone, a simple plow exposed the treasure buried beneath. My Grandmother cultivated that field every spring and every spring we ran across the narrow rows looking for precious treasure. We were never disappointed. 

Cultivate Boundaries

I thought about my childhood and the way that plow cut through the dirt getting the ground ready for my Grandmother’s garden. In order for the holidays to be what we hope for, trauma survivors must cultivate the soil of their thoughts and emotions with boundaries. Knowing where you begin and end creates a sense of self and a structure upon which you can rely, not only for the holidays but for life in general. Boundaries prevent you from being swallowed by the family system. Boundaries give you the power to take action. Whether that is to go no contact all together or to be able to be around relatives without being triggered. 

Cultivate a Sense of Place

As boundaries help you step out of the old family system, it’s time to cultivate a new sense of place. You get to write the story of your life. Harness uncontrollable emotions and negative thoughts just like my Grandmother harnessed that old mule. No longer do you have to play a role assigned to you by dysfunctional and abusive people. You get to decide your place in the family and your place in the world. In a way, cultivating a sense of place means coming home to yourself. 

Cultivate Meaning

One of the things childhood trauma most destroys is a person’s sense of meaning; their purpose. Families are supposed to provide that and serve as a launching pad into adulthood. Without that, life feels meaningless and isolated. Spiritual life is often a part of our abuse and survivors aren’t able to find refuge, even there. Cultivating a new system of meaning is a large part of the healing journey and one that will transform your holiday. 

There is buried treasure to be found in the holidays if we will spend time cultivating boundaries, a sense of place and meaning. Ebenezer Scrooge and George Bailey both went through the process. Take a moment to watch “A Christmas Carol,” or “It’s A Wonderful Life,” this season and watch as the characters lives are transformed. You are important and what you do with this season of celebration is important. Maybe more than you realize. Defy trauma, embrace joy.