Numbing Out Over The Holidays
pills left. Xanax was more valuable to me than gold. I was seeing a psychiatrist for depression, and besides the anti-depressants that didn’t seem to be working, he had prescribed a miracle drug—Xanax. I could be in the middle of my worst anxiety attack, mind racing, stomach churning, heart thumping and one little Xanax made it all disappear.
Change Your Holiday
Wait a minute, weren’t Thanksgiving and Christmas 2023 just last week? Here they come again. Celebration doesn’t mix well with trauma. Everyone talks about the busyness of the season as a source of stress, but for survivors of childhood trauma, the struggle with the holidays has much deeper implications.
Fear and Anxiety
~The intractable nature of fear and anxiety in the life of a childhood trauma survivor.
Since I can’t possibly know what life is like through the eyes of another person, I can only speak for myself. Having said that, childhood trauma survivors have a lot in common. It doesn’t matter what our particular brand of abuse was, the effects are universal. And two of those effects are fear and anxiety. I hate them. I hate dealing with them. I hate feeling them. Just when I think I’ve put them to bed, up they pop...yet again. It is frustrating to work so hard on healing only to find the same old twin struggles still getting in the way of living life.
Connecting to Your Innermost Self
Hi. I’d like to speak to your soul today if you don’t mind. How are you doing, soul? I’m pretty tired, myself. Life takes a lot of energy, if you know what I mean. There are so many things that need doing just to get through the day; so many responsibilities, so many obligations and so many distractions. I know your soul is sitting there waiting quietly for you to attend to it. The noise of life drowns out that inner voice, but it’s still there. I know it is. You don’t have to be a childhood trauma survivor to struggle with connecting to your innermost self. But being one sure adds another layer of difficulty.
It’s Never Too Late to Heal
I twirled around causing the skirt of my best Sunday dress to flair out in a way that delighted my four-year-old sensibilities. It was 1966 and my black patent leather Mary Jane’s made a wonderful clacking sound on the creaky oak floors of the sanctuary. Problem was, I was supposed to be sitting in my seat. My father scowled at me from the pulpit. Mrs. Wagoner, a wonderful, kindly old widow, had been tasked with watching me that Sunday morning, but try as she might, she couldn’t convince me to sit down. For some reason I cannot remember, my mother was not in attendance at the service that day.
Healing Self-Blame
My mother had been in a car accident. The second one that year and this time, the car was totaled. Rushing to the emergency room, I was ushered back to one of the bays where she was dressing to go home. She had suffered only a few cuts and bruises. I couldn’t say the same for the car. Her eyes—filled with that wild, hunted look stared at me in accusation. No matter how terrifying she was to be around, especially at a time like this, I still showed up.
Self-Blame
In my forties, I was a part of a support group for survivors of abuse. Most of the women who attended were dealing with abusive partners. I was the only one sharing about childhood abuse, though I am sure nearly everyone there was a survivor of childhood trauma. We started each session with a “check-in time.” Each person could share whatever was on their mind.
Trauma And Chronic Illness
“Doctor, I have chronic pain, fatigue, depression, problems with blood pressure, sleep problems, anxiety, headaches, restless legs and my stomach hurts all the time. What is wrong with me?”
“We’ll run some tests.” The tests come back negative. The doctor looks at you. “Have you ever thought about seeing a psychiatrist?” Dismissal of physical symptoms is a familiar experience for survivors of childhood trauma.
Trauma And The Brain
I was out walking my chihuahua, Tiny this week. As soon as I got out my sun hat and long sleeve shirt, Tiny knew it was time for a walk. He eagerly jumped up on my wheelchair and rode through the neighborhood. I often use our walks as time to think about the day, pray or ponder the meaning of life. But that day, I just couldn’t get myself together. My thoughts drifted to a neighbor who wanted me to do something for them. So irritating.
The Core Evil of Narcissism
I’m talking about patterns throughout 2024. Previously I answered the question, “Is Narcissism Evil?” Patterns of domination, cancellation and isolation are evidence that it is. I’d like to dig deeper. Let’s go past behavior and look at what motivates people to participate in narcissistic evil.
I’m disabled and use a wheelchair. In addition to my wheelchair, I have a scooter for walking the dog. My grandchildren’s favorite activity is driving the scooter alongside me as together, we whiz up and down the road in front of my house. It’s a little like driving go-carts, and the grandkids are still young enough to think driving an old lady scooter is fun
Is Narcissism Evil?
In order for there to be evil, you must believe in morality—in effect, that there is such a thing as right or wrong. For survivors of childhood trauma, we know this to be true in the core of our being. We know we have have been “sinned against” because we feel the affects of it; the outrage, the suffering, the sorrow and grief. None of those things would be present had we not been wronged, and you cannot be wronged without moral injury. It is the evidence that evil is at work.
The Childhood of a Narcissist
Warning: The danger in talking about the childhood wounds of a narcissist to survivors of their abuse is that the guilt they have used to manipulate us with will come roaring back. Do not fall for it. Narcissists use pity to gain control and we must not give credence to such feelings. Thoughts like “They are wounded and if I can show them love, they will finally come around,” are nothing but a lie. Read on to find out why.
The Roots Of Narcissism
Trauma Patterns
Happy New Year everybody! Thank you to all my subscribers and a special thanks for the encouragement and questions I’ve received from you this past year. The theme for defy trauma embrace joy 2024 is PATTERNS. Trauma patterns affect survivors in many profound ways. Cultivated in early childhood, these patterns live in the deepest places of the heart, come out automatically in our thoughts, drive negative emotions and fuel self-defeating behavior. When I live out past patterns in the present, they not only ruin my life and the lives of those around me, I also pass them down to the next generation. How do we interrupt the pattern? That’s what I’m going to be talking about for the next year.
How to Handle Triggers During the Holidays
Does that sound familiar? There are so many reasons the holidays make trauma survivors feel like they’re going crazy they are almost too numerous to name. I have an added bonus this year. My aging mother-in-law has come to stay with us. Being a caregiver isn’t easy for anyone. For a trauma survivor, it’s nearly impossible. Back in October, things started out well enough. I had worked on healing from trauma for many years and was doing so well I thought I’d be fine.
Thanksgiving
I’m writing this blog in time for Thanksgiving. The opening salvo for the holiday season. Narcissists take the opportunity to turn what ought to be a time of renewal and fun and make it a time of joyless misery and infernal obligation. Never is the narcissist’s anger and manipulation more on display than at the holidays. For those of us who grew up in homes like that, holidays can trigger the terrible experiences of our past and remind us of all we have lost. For those who are still in situations in which we must spend time with our family of origin, the holidays are a source of dread.
anxiety and the control factor
The bright rays of the Sonoran Desert sun filtered down through the fronds of the palm tree growing in my front courtyard. I closed my eyes and let it warm my face. How I wished it could burn away the insistent anxiety that had popped up yet again. Like the ridiculous children’s arcade game, “wac-a-mole,” no matter how hard I pounded my rubber hammer, anxiety always managed to pop back up again. For me, anxiety was rarely triggered by a real crisis. No, it was the small day to day bumps that set me off.
the difference Between anxiety and fear
The guy was going to rob the store. I knew it in my gut. Watching the situation unfold from the back, I took note of the “customer’s” dirty clothes, unkempt hair and age. He was young and the fact that he was asking questions about the cost of very expensive blow dryers and curling irons behind a locked cabinet did not add up. Why would he want anything like that? And the questions he was asking did not make sense.
Anxiety-What if vs what is
It’s the middle of October which puts me in the mood for Autumn leaves, pumpkin spice and Halloween. When I was a child, Halloween was my favorite holiday next to Christmas. Back then, trick or treating seemed more innocuous than it does today. You dressed up, went to a kids party and spent time driving from house to house to collect candy. (We lived in the country. There were no subdivisions to walk through.) A party would be given at school and included a costume contest between cats and hobos. There were no zombies and if someone chose to be a vampire they were usually more friendly than scary.
Liivng BEYOND TRAUMA TRUTH?
What is truth? The same question was asked two thousand years ago by the Roman governor tasked with judging Christ. Dr. Eric Gentry in his book, “Forward Facing Freedom,” calls the damage left by childhood trauma a moral wound. He too, draws a line in the sand about truth. In this day and age people talk about “my truth” or “your truth” but I’m not talking about relative truth. Abusers use the idea that truth depends on their own opinion as a way to convince you to live in a lie. Wherever you find one person trying to dominate another you will not find truth.
Living Beyond Trauma breaking the family system
Why is making a change so difficult? New Year’s resolutions are notoriously broken. Have you ever tried to lose weight? It’s one of the hardest things to do. Any kind of change is difficult, but when I speak about making a change in the way you respond to childhood trauma, I’m talking about change of a different sort.