Liivng BEYOND TRAUMA TRUTH?

What Is Truth?

The same question was asked two thousand years ago by the Roman governor tasked with judging Christ. Dr. Eric Gentry in his book, “Forward Facing Freedom,” calls the damage left by childhood trauma a moral wound. He too, draws a line in the sand about truth. In this day and age people talk about “my truth” or “your truth” but I’m not talking about relative truth. Abusers use the idea that truth depends on their own opinion as a way to convince you to live in a lie. Wherever you find one person trying to dominate another you will not find truth.

Survivors personally know the depth of the wound left by childhood trauma. The confusion, the disarray, the sorrow, the longing. I’ve not met a survivor yet who wasn’t on a search for truth in some form or another. 

The Abuser’s Chief Method of Torture

It’s interesting that the abuser’s chief method of torture is to question, control and rewrite the truth. Lying is at the very center of their behavior. They not only use it to abuse you, narcissists avoid truth at all costs. Their own moral wound causes them to feel so threatened, truth is like the water thrown on the wicked witch of the west in the Wizard of Oz. 

“I’m melting away! I’m melting away!” she screams. 

The narcissist’s perception of what will harm them is actually the very thing that would set them free if they would allow it. The same is true for us as survivors. The struggle against abuse and CPTSD symptoms is not a power encounter. It is a truth encounter. Then why is it so hard? Why does it feel like our natural tendency is to avoid and deflect and use detrimental coping skills. Why?

Truth and Suffering

Because the path toward truth must pass through the forest of suffering. When I first began sifting through my family of origin, the things I knew about my family deep inside were so painful, I thought it would kill me to face them. I did not want any of them to be true. I would have done anything to keep the false reality in place. 

“If I could finally please my parents, I would be loved. My parents were exceptional people. It was me that was the problem. If I could just figure out a way to do what they wanted all would be well.” And even worse. “All the problems were my fault. I was the cause. There was something inherently wrong with me. I was tainted. That was why I couldn’t do anything right. I deserved to be abused. I had the power to make everything alright, if only I could figure out what to do.” Can you hear how all of these thoughts are lies, subtle though some of them may be. They brought me comfort because they gave me a sense of control —that there was something I could do to make my parents happy. That one day, if I could figure it out, I might be loved. 

In addition, deep down, I knew what facing the truth was going to cost me. And, I was right. It cost me everything. My family turned out to be as deeply entrenched in lies as I thought they were. I did not want to lose them but in order to survive and heal, I had to face the loss of relationships and be willing to walk through the terrible anxiety, depression and struggle it was going to take and still takes. Nobody wants to suffer. People will do anything to avoid it—especially when there is so much at stake. What is the alternative? Look at what happens to a narcissist when they insist on living in their constructed reality of lies. 

Going to any length possible to avoid taking responsibility, abusers try to lower their own anxiety by blaming other people or by trying to constantly control not only what other people believe but what they do. They are angry, resentful, blaming and shaming. And what does it get them? The very opposite of what they want..destroyed relationships and forced compliance motivated by fear. In the end, they die alone, unwanted and unloved. By doggedly hanging on to lies, they are defeated by truth in the end anyway. 

What Do I Do Now?

So where does this leave us? I had a terrible flashback this past week. I haven’t had one like that in a very long time. I went to my arsenal of self care and the exercises and meditations that have helped me across the years. I connected with friends, but more than anything else, I turned once again to the truth. Truth is the basis for the entire idea behind defy trauma and embrace joy. I do not have to live under threat. I have a right to exist. I can live in the present and do the exact opposite of what trauma tells me. I can embrace each day and the joy to be had whether great or small. I can defy trauma and embrace joy by telling the truth, living in the truth and believing the truth instead of the lies of trauma. Contact me through the website (you must include your email) or by email at: hello@defytraumaembracejoy.com