Living Beyond Trauma breaking the family system

Why is Making a Change so Difficult?

New Year’s resolutions are notoriously broken. Have you ever tried to lose weight? It’s one of the hardest things to do. Any kind of change is difficult, but when I speak about making a change in the way you respond to childhood trauma, I’m talking about change of a different sort. 

This involves patterns laid down by brain washing in the formative years of our lives. It involves fighting feelings of fear, obligation and terrible guilt. It means going against everything you ever wanted by accepting awful truths about the way things really are and letting go of the hope that your family will finally understand and stop hurting you. 

How to Break Out of The Family System

I received a wonderful email this week, asking this question: How do I escape the cycle of childhood abuse and the damage it has had upon me? The answer to this lies in several steps and must be looked at as a process. The first thing to do is to understand what is going on. You must educate yourself about abusive patterns within families, the driving forces behind them and the damage they cause. I did this by reading everything I could get my hands on, watching videos and applying them to my own life. One book I recommend, “The Narcissist In Your Life,” by Julie Hall is available on Amazon. She covers this particular pattern extensively. 

Narcissist, narcissist, narcissist. We hear about it constantly. Is it a new thing? Is there more of it than ever before? Narcissism is not new and unfortunately, it has been common behavior since the beginning of time. There used to be other words for it; sin, pride, sociopath and evil, are just a few. These are all attempts to name behavior that is consumed with oneself. The choice people make to put themselves at the top of their priority list. In the short run, it is easier.

It makes you feel better to off load anxiety onto somebody else, at least for the moment. It’s easier to tell yourself how special you are and demand that those around you agree. It’s easier to only look at your own pain, and it is easier to demand that people meet your needs no matter what it costs them. 

“You are responsible for me. You have to fix me. You have to agree with me and I don’t care if you have to sacrifice your very soul. You must give your thoughts, will, and personhood over to me.” That is the mantra of the narcissist.

Is all that too strong a statement? My experience with narcissistic parents tells me it is not. What’s even more maddening, survivors often go on to form partnerships, romantic relationships and friendships with more narcissists! It’s familiar and it is tempting to try to heal wounds from the past by repeating patterns in the present. 

I cannot overstate how damaging growing up in a family system of narcissistic behavior really is. You make life choices unconsciously. You enter into more abusive relationships without a voice. You hate yourself. You have no center of safety in the world. Life is a burden to be tolerated instead of a blessing to be enjoyed. Evil is the only word I can find to describe it. It casts a shadow over everything. But here is the key. Though this pattern of evil is powerful, it is built on a foundation of sand. 

The more you grow in understanding, the more you will come to the same conclusion. Narcissistic abuse is based on lies. And it is the avoidance of truth that causes narcissists to go to such lengths in their behavior. When engaged with a narcissist, how is it possible to escape their fictional and defensive criticisms? What do you do when you know they are projecting in order to cover for their own unconscionable actions, thoughts and abuses? You can see their desperate attempt to avoid any responsibility and their refusal to acknowledge, address or apologize for their abusive actions. But they won’t stop. And no amount of talking, sharing, explaining or pleasing makes one bit of difference.

The cure? Choose to live in truth. You only have control over yourself. You cannot make anyone else live in truth, but you can choose to do it. Truth is the foundation of understanding. When you educate yourself, what you’re doing is applying truth. 

Don’t misunderstand. This isn’t easy. Narcissistic lies have a twisted way of winding themselves inside your head. Find yourself second guessing your own motives and behaviors? Constantly wondering if it’s you that’s the problem? That is also a hallmark of narcissistic abuse. Get the victim to believe the lie. Then, you can make them do whatever you want. 

In the children’s book “The Silver Chair,” by CS Lewis, a witch captures the heroes of our story in an underground cave. By lighting the fireplace, she wields a terrible smoke that takes over the thoughts of the children. They cannot see what the witch is up to and even begin to believe her lies. That’s the best description I can think of for the way a narcissist works. 

Change—Taking Action

Understanding is step one. The next step is harder. You must take action. You must affect real change in your own life. Are you currently hooked into a destructive relationship with an abuser? You can change that. Are you still listening to voices inside your head that make you respond as if you are still living in the same abusive situation you left years ago? You can learn to catch those thoughts and see them as perceived threat, not real threat. How about your own deeply held beliefs? Are they predicated on what your abuser(s) wanted you to believe? That too can change. Change in belief leads to change in behavior. 

This is not a simple process. But one thing that might help is knowing that the biggest narcissistic lie of them all can be conquered. You are not powerless. You are now in charge of your own life and can make decisions to live the way you want to live. It’s so hard to remember that and to act on it when you are combating years and years of psychological, physical and emotional abuse. No matter what you are up against, the ball is now in your court. Keep going and move toward defying trauma and embracing joy one small step at a time. 

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