Is Narcissism Evil?
In order for there to be evil, you must believe in morality—in effect, that there is such a thing as right or wrong. For survivors of childhood trauma, we know this to be true in the core of our being. We know we have have been “sinned against” because we feel the affects of it; the outrage, the suffering, the sorrow and grief. None of those things would be present had we not been wronged, and you cannot be wronged without moral injury. It is the evidence that evil is at work.
The Pattern of Evil
Just as narcissism follows a pattern, so does its source—evil. You might even say narcissism is a contemporary term for evil. How can you tell certain narcissistic behaviors are actually evil? Look for the following hallmarks:
Domination
Domination is the first hallmark of evil at work through narcissism. Instead of parental leadership, the narcissistic parent dominates. The narcissist’s lust for control and power make those closest to them their biggest target. They dominate their partner, and they dominate their children.
How Do Narcissists Dominate Within Families?
They attempt to control what is said. Common among abusive family systems is the “no-talk rule.” Not only are you not to discuss anything outside of the family, you aren’t allowed to tell the truth within the family. A narcissist exerts such powerful control, they often designate the truth-teller as a scapegoat. The one person who cannot bear the domination, (the truth-teller) will be targeted as the problem.
They use the threat of abandonment. Abandonment is the silent message behind domination and is a powerful tool. Comply or you will be abandoned. Narcissists live by “my way or the highway.” What is a child to do? You can’t get a job and support yourself at five, or ten or even fifteen. The threat of abandonment continues into adulthood. The world is a tough place, and the pull to belong, to attach, to feel safe and to be loved within a family continues throughout our lives.
Cancellation
Narcissistic abuse cancels other people out. The narcissist is the center of all things; their opinions, their needs, their hurts and their desires. No one else matters. In fact, they are so self-absorbed, the idea that anyone else exists does not come into play.
How Do Narcissists Cancel Other People Out?
Gaslighting. Narcissists attempt to control the narrative by undermining other people’s perceptions and opinions. They gaslight or lie by telling you either you don’t know what you are talking about or that you don’t remember things correctly. Even when you catch them in a lie, they will wiggle out. My mother would say the most outrageously abusive things and my few attempts to call her out were met with “I didn’t mean anything by that. I was just talking.” She managed to minimize her behavior and blame me for it all at the same time.
Disrespect. This type of behavior covers such things as boundary crossing, outright rudeness, ignoring, bull-dozing, manipulating and pretending. Narcissists treat their children with deep disrespect. The message is always “you don’t matter.” They tell shameful stories about you to others. They force and embrace an untrue narrative about who you are as a person. They pretend to be knowledgeable, insightful and full of wisdom when in truth, they do not know you at all. It is difficult to be so close in proximity to someone you wish would love you, yet so far apart and unknown in every other way.
Isolation
Narcissists isolate family members by painting outsiders as threatening. Secondly, they isolate family members from each other by placing people in roles. Isolation gives narcissists the ability to powerfully manipulate perception.
How Do Narcissists Use Isolation?
Outsiders are seen as a threat. By projecting a narrative of perfection, narcissists will paint anyone outside the family as hopelessly flawed. Our family is better because I have special insight and knowledge says the narcissist. Narcissists make fun of other people behind their backs. They gossip and criticize and discourage children from having deep friendships or mentors. This kind of evil has a strange camaraderie. One of the only ways I had any relief from isolation was to participate in my family’s destructive gossiping and finger pointing. At the time, I didn’t understand what was going on. Now, I see It was just one more way my parents used to divide and conquer.
Siblings are pitted against one another. One is chosen as the golden child, another as the scapegoat or other role. Many times siblings are required to abuse one another or participate in the narcissist’s abuse against a particular child. This pattern established in childhood, operates as long as you live unless you choose to break the pattern. Stepping away from the madness may not only mean the loss of your parents, it may mean the loss of your entire family.
I remember my brother with great fondness. He did not participate in the abuse and he always tried to protect me from my parents. At the same time, there was a deep, inexpressible loneliness in my childhood. My brother and I never discussed what was going on because we were too young to understand. It was as if I was standing on one side of a cliff and he on the other with an impassable gulf between us. Even when we were in the same room together I felt far, far away.
The Fourth Hallmark of Evil
The last but perhaps most important hallmark of narcissistic evil is its destructive nature. Everything about it seeks to obliterate relationships, joy, peace, encouragement, kindness and mercy. Narcissistic evil tears down and seeks to hide itself from the light. Whenever you see domination, cancellation and isolation you will find destruction close behind. Don’t be afraid. Confronting narcissistic evil will not destroy you. It will set you free. Defy trauma embrace joy.
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