The Core Evil of Narcissism
I’m talking about patterns throughout 2024. Previously I answered the question, “Is Narcissism Evil?” Patterns of domination, cancellation and isolation are evidence that it is. I’d like to dig deeper. Let’s go past behavior and look at what motivates people to participate in narcissistic evil.
I’m disabled and use a wheelchair. In addition to my wheelchair, I have a scooter for walking the dog. My grandchildren’s favorite activity is driving the scooter alongside me as together, we whiz up and down the road in front of my house. It’s a little like driving go-carts, and the grandkids are still young enough to think driving an old lady scooter is fun. Last weekend, we were joyfully engaged in this activity when a big sedan turned onto our street. I called out, “car!” and over to the left side of the road we went.
Eyes straight ahead, oblivious to anyone else, the driver hunched over the wheel and blew past. If we had veered even slightly to the right, any one of us would easily have been hit. We live in a quiet retirement community with almost no traffic, and every other time our rides have been perfectly safe. The driver of the sedan changed all that. Oblivious to whether he ran over one of us or not, he needed to get where he was going. My heart skipped a beat at his behavior, and I vowed to be more careful and observant to traffic in the future. While I have no way of knowing whether the driver of that car was a narcissist or not, (maybe he was just distracted) his behavior is a good example of being so consumed with yourself, you don’t even notice other people. True narcissism is not a one time event. It is a pattern.
What is the Motivating Pattern of Narcissism?
Self-Centeredness
The over-arching pattern you find in the motivation of a narcissist is self-centeredness. Like the driver of that big sedan, they are oblivious to anyone else. Life is always and ever about them.
Narcissists take normal healthy self-interest to a another level. They are not looking for ways to problem solve. They are looking for ways to use people in order to avoid personal responsibility. Downloading her own shame onto me, my mother taught me that my body was disgusting. She was invasive with no personal space and no physical or emotional boundaries between us. I suffered terrible abuse at her hands. In me she saw a vulnerable child over whom she could have total control, and she relished it. I never saw her think of me as a person. Not once. It was always about how she could off load her own toxic emotions in order to fill the terrible void in her own life.
What is a Vulnerable Narcissist?
My mother was not the usual grandiose narcissist. Never a show-off or attention seeker, she lived in the shadows while the rest of the family ran interference between her and the world. My mother is what I would call a vulnerable narcissist. Psych Central puts it this way:
“In stark contrast to the grandiose narcissist, a vulnerable narcissist, sometimes called a covert narcissist, has low self-esteem and is extremely self-conscious. Individuals with vulnerable narcissism tend to be insecure and sensitive to rejection, and require constant validation from others,” says Joni Ogle, a licensed clinical social worker in Houston. “They may experience feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and depression due to their hunger for approval.” (1)
And Jay Serle, LMFT, Ph. D., notes "A vulnerable narcissist describes someone who is hypersensitive to rejection and extremely self-conscious. They tend to be insecure, as well. They become angry or offended when not put on a pedestal. A person with vulnerable narcissism is highly sensitive to criticism.” (2)
Left out of these definitions is the huge impact caused by having to deal with a vulnerable narcissist. Being around my mother was like standing at the mouth of a yawning cave. No matter now much I shoveled in, the black hole just got deeper. Nothing I did made an ounce of difference. Constantly demanding and needy, yet mean and abusive, she earned the gold medal for manipulation. Her behavior made me want to tear my hair out in frustration. Worn out, I finally collapsed, forced to go no contact.
Both grandiose and vulnerable narcissists are similar in this one important way: They are consumed with self. Some religious traditions call it pride. In the case of evil, pride was the downfall of the devil. “I’m going to be my own God,” he said. That statement is terrifyingly close to the point of view of a narcissist. They want to be God over everybody else.
Demands of a Narcissist
I will be the one in control.
You will meet my needs.
Evil is Hidden
When you grow up in a narcissistic family system, evil behavior is not always obvious. Narcissists cloak their demands in goodness. They hide their true motivation by justifying what they do. They manipulate and run for cover or lash out when exposed. Those of us who have lived through such suffering face a difficult task. Because of the narcissist’s powerful denial of reality and the way they have learned to get what they want by destroying others, being in their orbit causes us to be consumed by fear-based thinking. I literally thought I could not exist unless I submitted to the abuse.
“To continue to be a victim of their behavior once we have seen the truth is to participate in evil ourselves.”
A Narcissist’s entire concept of themselves and their place in the world is built on a pack of lies. Lies they have demanded we not only participate in but live in. And that is the key to freedom. We have to say no. To stay enmeshed with abusive narcissists is to agree with the abuse. To continue to be a victim of their behavior once we have seen the truth is to participate in evil ourselves. That is the subtle danger of being a survivor of trauma. That we will become the very thing we hate.
Growing up in a narcissistic family system means you are going to have a bent toward narcissism yourself. We already know the childhood of a narcissist is full of abuse. Just as they inherited the type of evil they live out, they have also chosen it. The same is true for us. We have a choice: to allow this type of evil to destroy more lives or to take the more difficult path of honesty, of facing pain, of being willing to take personal responsibility over our own lives. We cannot change the past. We cannot make the narcissist understand. We cannot make our parents love us, but we can live lives that make a tremendous difference in the world for good.
Defy trauma, embrace joy.
1 https://psychcentral.com/disorders/the-secret-facade-of-the-vulnerable-narcissist
2 https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-of-a-vulnerable-narcissist-7369901#:~:text=Jay%20Serle%2C%20LMFT%2C%20Ph.,is%20highly%20sensitive%20to%20criticism.