How to Handle Triggers During the Holidays
Out of My Mind at Christmas
Does that sound familiar? There are so many reasons the holidays make trauma survivors feel like they’re going crazy they are almost too numerous to name. I have an added bonus this year. My aging mother-in-law has come to stay with us. Being a caregiver isn’t easy for anyone. For a trauma survivor, it’s nearly impossible. Back in October, things started out well enough. I had worked on healing from trauma for many years and was doing so well I thought I’d be fine.
But as the weeks turned into months, I noticed little by little my window of resiliency closing. Small things began to stress me out. Just trying to gets meals together every day was more than I could bear. But the worst part has not been the logistics of caregiving. It has been the emotional toll and stress on an area that is already worn thin.
Trauma is a very strange beast. When you feel well, it’s hard to remember feeling ill. When you are deep into a flashback you can’t remember ever feeling normal. Hopelessness grabs you and flings you to the ground and you are helpless to stop it.
The holidays have a way of ushering in those kinds of feelings even if you don’t have something as life changing as a caregiving situation. Reminders of the past, regret, sorrow, loss and unprocessed trauma swim to the surface. Even if you have processed events and feelings our brain has a mind of its own and the normal stress of parties, obligations and family become too much. I used to want to have a t-shirt printed that said “leave me alone.” Trauma survivors need lots of space.
And then there’s the times when the holidays bring too much space and we find ourselves feeling isolated. It looks like everyone else in the entire world has a family to be with or a relationship that makes them happy except us. Depression creeps in and the holidays become just another reason to feel overwhelmed and angry.
I’d like to call trauma a liar and it is but then again...it isn’t. Those feelings that rush in and take over are real—even if they are more related to the past than they are to the present. And I know what I’m talking about. This year, December has been so difficult, I’m only going to get one newsletter out instead of two.
The worst part of trauma? Disconnection. You implode in on yourself and all relationships become casualties. Life becomes a casualty. You withdraw in order to survive. When I go numb, the next door to open is depression. Others do not understand, and I find it impossible to explain just how destructive trauma symptoms are to anyone who hasn’t experienced them.
How do you get your perspective back? How do you open the window of resiliency again and experience the holidays for what they should be? Stop. Take a step back. Try to identify specific situations or circumstances that have you spinning. Is it the anticipation of attending one more abusive family holiday gathering? You have my permission not to go. Do certain traditions trigger horrible feelings and make you depressed? Start a new tradition. Spend Christmas in a different place. If you’re alone, find someone else who is alone. This year, use the holiday to heal. Whatever that might look like for you. It isn’t easy. Know that it is going to be hard. To defy trauma and embrace joy is to turn trauma against itself in order to get rid of it. One small step at a time. I’m thinking of you this holiday season.