The Roots Of Narcissism
Trauma Patterns
Happy New Year everybody! Thank you to all my subscribers and a special thanks for the encouragement and questions I’ve received from you this past year. The theme for defy trauma embrace joy 2024 is PATTERNS. Trauma patterns affect survivors in many profound ways. Cultivated in early childhood, these patterns live in the deepest places of the heart, come out automatically in our thoughts, drive negative emotions and fuel self-defeating behavior. When I live out past patterns in the present, they not only ruin my life and the lives of those around me, I also pass them down to the next generation. How do we interrupt the pattern? That’s what I’m going to be talking about for the next year.
Generational Trauma
Abuse does not happen in a vacuum. My parents were swimming in generational trauma long before I ever came along. In my family, the hallmark of narcissism goes back as far as living memory exists.
I once attended a family reunion involving distant relatives I had never met. Held in a different part of the state from where I had grown up, middle-aged cousins from my Grandmother’s side of the family brought various photo albums of people long dead and placed them on display. I shivered at the comment my father made as he waved his hand toward the photos. “Not one of these people was worth a grain of salt. Nothing but criminals, molesters, bootleggers and white trash.” On the way home I was treated to a story about a cousin who had killed himself because he was the product of incest. These things were just accepted. Stories of violence and neglect were laughed about. Abandonment was considered normal. No one ever admitted the truth, took responsibility or changed...and then, there was me.
The Narcissistic Roots of Trauma
The fuel of trauma is something called narcissism. What do I mean when I use that term? The word narcissism comes from the Greek myth about a handsome young man named Narcissus who, when gazing at his own reflection in a pool of water, became so enamored, he leaned over, fell in and drowned. Sigmund Freud coined the term as a way to describe a normal stage of early childhood development. When I use it, I mean someone who is so self-centered, they do not have the ability to see life from anyone else’s perspective but their own.
The Traits of Narcissism
Narcissists project their own feelings onto other people. They lack the ability to be self-aware. You can talk till you’re blue in the face and a narcissist will continue to blame you. Unable to take any responsibility for their actions, they never see themselves as the problem unless admitting so would be to their advantage. Narcissists perceive everything in black and white. Either you are for me (you’ll do as I say) or you’re against me. Other people do not have the right to an opinion or a life. They only exist to serve the narcissist and his/her narrative. This is especially true of family members. Children are used as appendages to prop up the narcissists inflated storyline. Vulnerability, empathy and closeness are seen as weakness.
The following are criteria listed in the DSM-5 used by psychologists to define a narcissist.
Superior or grandiose
Fantasizes success, power, brilliance, beauty or perfect love
Believes s/he is special and should associate with other high-status people
Expects excessive admiration
Is entitled
Exploits other people
Has no empathy
Envious of others and believes others are envious of them
Arrogant
*Taken From The Narcissist in Your Life by Julie Hall. Published by Lifelong books pg 16
The Different Kinds of Narcissists
Narcissism can take several different forms such as malignant, covert, vulnerable or grandiose. An extreme narcissist can be said to have a personality disorder. Some examples: dictators, serial killers and criminals. But far more common and just as devastating are the narcissists you and I have personally lived with. While all of us are self-centered at one time or another, narcissism is in a different category.
Narcissists within Families
Narcissists use whatever means necessary to get what they want and what they want is not relationship. They want to be worshipped. They want to be in control and more than anything else, they want to use you to cover over their own hurt, pain, short-comings and fears. They rule the family like a dictator using threat, coercion, violence and abandonment as punishment.
Children are expected to play a role in order to shore up the narcissist’s constructed reality. Partners and/or spouses serve as passive enablers or participate overtly in the abuse. Narcissists do not see you. They see only themselves. Narcissism then, is self-centeredness taken to the point of destroying all others. If I had not witnessed it myself, I would not believe it possible for anyone to behave as my parents did. I watched them both manipulate, abuse, destroy, demand, coerce, divorce, estrange all family members and go to the grave telling everyone how poorly they were treated and insisting it was everyone else’s fault.
Narcissism is the only way I can explain my own story and it is the only way I can explain the stories I have heard from hundreds of other survivors. How self-centered do you have to be to molest your own child and/or beat your family members into submission? To choose over and over and over again to put yourself first in the most destructive way possible. To refuse to see truth or have any self-awareness whatsoever.
What Causes Narcissism?
Survivors of childhood abuse spend a lot of time trying to understand their abuser—especially when the abuser is a parent. We want to know why. Why did they do this? Why is it so hard for me to say no? Why is it so difficult to walk away? You lose your entire family just to survive and then, you must deal with all the damage and fall out for years to come.
Narcissism definitely has a cause and it is to be found in the childhood wounds of the abuser and influenced by the choices they make. In next week’s blog, I’ll be looking into the childhood of a narcissist and why they do what they do. Be aware of selfish patterns in your family of origin. Defy trauma, embrace joy—break the pattern.