Stages of Traumatic Grief-4th in series

Stages of Traumatic Grief - How Grief affects Trauma Survivors

Abuse from a family system is long-term and terribly confusing. For me, the pattern of abuse was laid down from birth to eighteen, but it did not end when I left home. I did not understand the abusive patterns and behaviors until my thirties when my family system blew up. It would take a few more decades to come to a place of healing. While every person’s story is different, toxic family systems follow a pattern. Following are three insightful paragraphs covering each stage of traumatic grief. 

As stated in previous blogs, traumatic grief is complicated and disenfranchised. The following short stories will show you why. Even if a person goes no contact, they will still have to deal with grief from the past. As we all know, the long arm of trauma affects us in a thousand different ways. 

The Traumatic Event(s)—Standing at the top of the sliding board my rusty swing set creaked as I placed my little tennis shoe on the last step. I stared at the yard of freshly cut grass and took a deep breath. Looking toward the old farm house, I heard the buzz of a fat June bug. Brushing it away, I turned my eyes back to the house. The Monsters were in there. It was Saturday. That meant they were both home. Not only would I have to endure my mother’s abuse, now they would work in tandem. I was going to have to figure out a way to keep out of sight. At four years old, I still remember the dread I felt looking at that house. I went down the slide. Sitting at the bottom, chin in hand, I waited to see what the day would bring. 

A Crisis Happens—Twenty-five years later, the bomb finally exploded. My parents separated and my father came to stay at my house while he worked out the logistics. I can still see him sitting in a chair next to the Christmas tree as my children opened their presents. He was battered and bent over by depression and I could barely stand to look at him. We pretended that day. The same way we had always done, but circumstances had changed. No longer the powerful god-like figure in total control, life had slipped through his fingers. I have no memory of where my mother was. Still under the spell of my father’s narcissism, I did everything he wanted, agreed with everything he said. I listened to his pain. Little did I know I would continue in that role for twenty more years. My pain? There wasn’t room for that.

End of Denial—Ten years after that Christmas, I got a phone call from my sibling. “Mom has tried to kill herself again. Do you want to meet me at the hospital?” The drama of my parents lives never let up. I had nothing left to give. In childhood, I was the scapegoat. In adulthood I became the dumping ground for my parent’s toxic waste. I made it to the hospital that day, but my mother’s screams stopped me at the emergency room doors. My sibling stood beside me in the hall. “I shouldn’t have called,” he said. “There isn’t anything you can do.” And with a look born of empathetic suffering, he made a suggestion that would set me free. “Why don’t you get out of this mess? Go home. Don’t ever look back.” And that was what I did. It would take almost twenty more years to go no contact with my father. I’m still working on the grief.

Stages of Traumatic Grief

The Traumatic Event(s)-Will not be understood or grieved till later in life. For survivors, it is not one event but years of events.

A Crisis Happens-Realization of the truth begins. Hope that things will ever be different starts to fade, but grief is mostly pushed aside or becomes folded over into trying to cope.

End of Denial-(Often comes after the death of a parent or abuser) Most intense phase of grief. Often lasting for long periods of time as the survivor processes memories.

Grief is the friend of trauma, not the enemy. It is a sign that you are healing. It is confirmation that you are living in reality and are beginning to accept the truth. Grief is an acknowledgement of your suffering. Instead of clinging to the sinking ship of denial, grief propels you forward and eventually tosses you up on the beach. You made it. You swam towards the shore, and you’re alive. Defy trauma, keep going, and eventually, you’ll embrace joy.