talking to a narcissist about grief

Like everything else in a survivor’s life, narcissistic systems and behaviors affect how grief is acknowledged and processed. But just how does that happen? Let me tell you about a little incident from many years ago.

The narcissist’s eyes glazed over as I shared my sorrow. I was overcome with grief. Of all the people in all the world, this person should have known what I was going through. They were part of the family system. They had experienced their own grief about the same situation. After telling my tale of woe, I looked up. 

The narcissist blinked several times. “I think what you need to do is go to bed.” 

This is what you’re up against when you are dealing with a family system run by narcissism. Total cluelessness about any emotion. In fact, all the narcissist wants to do is shut you down. He/she is uncomfortable with emotion. Especially your emotion because they can’t control it and control is what they seek above all else.

All abusive systems and abusers are narcissists in one form or another. Narcissists and the systems they run have no ability for emotional empathy especially with family members. Vulnerability is viewed as weakness. They do not treat others as they expect to be treated and most importantly, they are incapable of unconditional love. Because of the need to be in control and an attitude of entitlement, narcissists will stop at nothing. 

They upend family systems to fit their narrative. They use children as tools for domination and partners as servants. When it comes to dismantling this system in order to heal, expect NO help from a narcissist or their enablers. Your grief will be another occasion for ridicule. It will be proof of your stupidity. There is room for only one person’s grief and it isn’t yours. It is the narcissist’s.

If you are reading this, you too have probably grown up in a family similar to mine. It is these very narcissistic family systems that make grief so difficult to process. If there is no room for anyone’s emotions except the top abuser(s), then you will feel you do not have a right to grieve. When emotions have always gone unacknowledged and unprocessed, the feeling of grief will be confusing. 

Narcissism forces you to put a mask over grief for your own protection. But no matter how much bait and switch the narcissist demands, they cannot keep your emotions from talking to you. Grief may manifest as depression, hopelessness, frustration, sadness, anger or rage. As long as narcissistic abuse is filtering your feelings, you will not be able to get to the core of grief or to find resolution. Some inner thoughts that may suggest you need to process grief might be:

If I have to face the truth and really grieve, I’m going to die. What will I do? Where will I belong? Will all the terrible things I have been threatened with happen if I look at the truth?

If I grieve the loss of love, that closes the door on the hope that I will ever be loved. That is too hard to accept. If I just go on hoping and/or pretending at least I don’t have to face that.

I love my family so much, I can love them out of this. If I just love them enough, they will change. Then I won’t have to grieve this. 

If I grieve, that means it really is as bad as it feels. I won’t be able to pretend anymore.

Lies about grief put in our head by narcissists:

You’re never going to get to the bottom of it

If I start grieving, it’s never going to stop

If I allow myself to feel this grief, I won’t survive it

I don’t have anything to grieve

I don’t need to grieve

I need to stay angry

I don’t have a right to grieve

It’s normal to want to stay connected with your family. That desire takes a long time to understand. Be kind to yourself. Grief is one of the last emotions you come to on the road to healing. Acceptance of the truth about your abuse takes time. For me, it was one of the hardest hurdles to jump. Grief is the release of all that pain. Though the narcissist will not help you, there are many people who will. My website lists many free resources to assist you in your struggle to defy trauma and embrace joy. I strive to do it every day and you can too. Defy trauma, embrace joy!!