Defy Trauma. Embrace Joy.

Wait a minute, weren’t Thanksgiving and Christmas 2023 just last week? Here they come again. Celebration doesn’t mix well with trauma. Everyone talks about the busyness of the season as a source of stress, but for survivors of childhood trauma, the struggle with the holidays has much deeper implications.

Hi. I’d like to speak to your soul today if you don’t mind. How are you doing, soul? I’m pretty tired, myself. Life takes a lot of energy, if you know what I mean. There are so many things that need doing just to get through the day; so many responsibilities, so many obligations and so many distractions. I know your soul is sitting there waiting quietly for you to attend to it. The noise of life drowns out that inner voice, but it’s still there. I know it is. You don’t have to be a childhood trauma survivor to struggle with connecting to your innermost self. But being one sure adds another layer of difficulty.

I twirled around causing the skirt of my best Sunday dress to flair out in a way that delighted my four-year-old sensibilities. It was 1966 and my black patent leather Mary Jane’s made a wonderful clacking sound on the creaky oak floors of the sanctuary. Problem was, I was supposed to be sitting in my seat. My father scowled at me from the pulpit. Mrs. Wagoner, a wonderful, kindly old widow, had been tasked with watching me that Sunday morning, but try as she might, she couldn’t convince me to sit down. For some reason I cannot remember, my mother was not in attendance at the service that day. 

My mother had been in a car accident. The second one that year and this time, the car was totaled. Rushing to the emergency room, I was ushered back to one of the bays where she was dressing to go home. She had suffered only a few cuts and bruises. I couldn’t say the same for the car. Her eyes—filled with that wild, hunted look stared at me in accusation. No matter how terrifying she was to be around, especially at a time like this, I still showed up.

“Doctor, I have chronic pain, fatigue, depression, problems with blood pressure, sleep problems, anxiety, headaches, restless legs and my stomach hurts all the time. What is wrong with me?”

“We’ll run some tests.” The tests come back negative. The doctor looks at you. “Have you ever thought about seeing a psychiatrist?” Dismissal of physical symptoms is a familiar experience for survivors of childhood trauma.

I’m talking about patterns throughout 2024. Previously I answered the question, “Is Narcissism Evil?” Patterns of domination, cancellation and isolation are evidence that it is. I’d like to dig deeper. Let’s go past behavior and look at what motivates people to participate in narcissistic evil.

I’m disabled and use a wheelchair. In addition to my wheelchair, I have a scooter for walking the dog. My grandchildren’s favorite activity is driving the scooter alongside me as together, we whiz up and down the road in front of my house. It’s a little like driving go-carts, and the grandkids are still young enough to think driving an old lady scooter is fun

In order for there to be evil, you must believe in morality—in effect, that there is such a thing as right or wrong. For survivors of childhood trauma, we know this to be true in the core of our being. We know we have have been “sinned against” because we feel the affects of it; the outrage, the suffering, the sorrow and grief. None of those things would be present had we not been wronged, and you cannot be wronged without moral injury. It is the evidence that evil is at work.

Warning: The danger in talking about the childhood wounds of a narcissist to survivors of their abuse is that the guilt they have used to manipulate us with will come roaring back. Do not fall for it. Narcissists use pity to gain control and we must not give credence to such feelings. Thoughts like “They are wounded and if I can show them love, they will finally come around,” are nothing but a lie. Read on to find out why.

Trauma Patterns

Happy New Year everybody! Thank you to all my subscribers and a special thanks for the encouragement and questions I’ve received from you this past year. The theme for defy trauma embrace joy 2024 is PATTERNS. Trauma patterns affect survivors in many profound ways. Cultivated in early childhood, these patterns live in the deepest places of the heart, come out automatically in our thoughts, drive negative emotions and fuel self-defeating behavior. When I live out past patterns in the present, they not only ruin my life and the lives of those around me, I also pass them down to the next generation. How do we interrupt the pattern? That’s what I’m going to be talking about for the next year.

Does that sound familiar? There are so many reasons the holidays make trauma survivors feel like they’re going crazy they are almost too numerous to name. I have an added bonus this year. My aging mother-in-law has come to stay with us. Being a caregiver isn’t easy for anyone. For a trauma survivor, it’s nearly impossible. Back in October, things started out well enough. I had worked on healing from trauma for many years and was doing so well I thought I’d be fine.